You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
