i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
