the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
