she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
