u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
