I'm really into asian looking animals
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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