What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Randomize
