1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
