Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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