Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
