Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
