I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
The best revenge is premature balding
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize