My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
