Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
