I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
