9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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