I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
She's the barista slut.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
