She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize