Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
