My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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