cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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