You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
