i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just want nice things and good sex
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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