i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize