Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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