Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
