Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
