Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
