So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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