i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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