So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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