pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Randomize
