She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
