My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
