Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
