After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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