So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
