Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
