Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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