i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
