I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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