Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
