you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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