Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
