I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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