The maid of honor just puked.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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