Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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