do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
