Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
