I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
