He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
