I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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