You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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