WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
