Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
