just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
