I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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