4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
