Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
