I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
