What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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