Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
