Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
