were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I want her autograph on my taint
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
