you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
did i walk over a car last night?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
